In the face of a narcissistic mother, what should have been a close-knit group dissolved into strained relationships and distant connections. This blog post delves into the challenges and emotions that come with growing up in such an environment and how to navigate life when you find yourself almost "siblingless."
A family of five kids inherently suggests a bustling household, filled with the joy of shared moments and close bonds. I have 4 siblings that I know of. I say ‘that I know of’ because my dad had a few in England that we never met before he passed away.
Growing up, I thought we would be close, there was myself and my brother, 5 years younger. Then my narcissistic mother had 3 more kids when I was approximately 12 years old, 2 girls, and 1 boy. Though I struggled with her getting pregnant at first, once they were born it was love at first sight.
However, the presence of a narcissistic mother cast a shadow over this as soon as they were old enough to be manipulated by her. Her narcissistic self-centered behavior led to manipulation, emotional abuse, and favoritism, which in a lot of cases can create divisions among siblings and disrupt the natural flow of sibling relationships. This was very true in my family's case.
The boys were favored always, my sisters would be begging my mother for food and she would neglect to feed them many times but would make my brother full-blown handmade meals, in front of my sisters no less. This would always result in a blow out screaming match between her and I.
There was more than one occasion when the school asked where my sister's lunches were, and pleas from my sisters themselves asking for food because their stomach hurts when they are at school. A lot of times I stepped in and stepped up, I planned birthdays and brought food for school lunch, and I picked them up and took them to their events, as I was old enough now, and out driving on my own.
But the older they got, the easier it was to turn them against me, I was the ‘outcast’ speaking out against my mother's disgusting behavior, but desperate for her love and affection my siblings chose to turn a blind eye.
In my family, we siblings found ourselves pitted against each other as our narcissistic mother sought to maintain control and dominance. At a young age, my brother and I were taught to punish each other for anything my mother saw as misbehaving. The one being punished would stand with their nose on the wall, while my mother provided the other one with a wooden spoon. Anytime the person who was being punished moved or even breathed, the one with the spoon would be encouraged my mother to beat the other. This was just one of her punishments and one of the ways she destroyed our bond early on.
We grew up laughing about this, thinking it was the norm until I grew up to realize how disgusting this truly was. The focus shifted from building healthy sibling relationships to surviving the unpredictable emotional climate at home. This resulted in us growing distant, unable to trust or communicate openly due to the emotional turmoil caused by our mother's behavior.
I currently speak to none of my siblings, this is mostly because I have severed ties with my mother. Had I not done this I am not sure where my mental health would be at today, it was one of the best things I ever did and was heavily encouraged by my husband, I likely would not have seen how negatively she was affecting every aspect of my life it was not for him. I lost my entire family because of it, but it was something I needed to do to grow and heal.
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Living in such an environment can be isolating. A lack of understanding from outsiders and the perpetuation of a facade of normalcy by our narcissistic mother made it challenging for any of us to reach out for help. Whenever we asked for help, our mother was so good and faking it till she made it that everyone thought we were just ‘being ridiculous kids’. I cannot count the number of people who have believed my mother's lies about what was truly happening, not even always behind closed doors, but right in front of their faces.
As a result, I am sure all of us developed coping mechanisms to deal with the emotional turmoil, including distancing ourselves from each other to protect our well-being. She created an environment where we could only turn to her, and not to each other because that is what we believed would get us punished the least.
Recognizing the impact of my narcissistic mother's behavior on my sibling relationships has been the first step toward healing. Seeking therapy, either individually has provided a safe space to process those experiences and understand my emotions. I need to acknowledge that healing might involve different paths for each of my siblings; some might choose to reconnect, while others may decide that maintaining distance is the healthiest option. Which is sad, as my door will always remain open if they are ready to heal.
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For those who find themselves estranged from their siblings due to the effects of a narcissistic mother, it's essential to remember that blood ties aren't the only basis for meaningful relationships. Building strong friendships and surrounding oneself with a supportive network can provide the sense of belonging and connection that might have been missing in the family environment.
But let’s also normalize the fact that many people do not grow up with a healthy support system or friends from their childhood, and open our arms to those that are seeking those close relationships in their adult lives.
Though I will forever mourn the shared history, unconditional acceptance, and shared experiences I have had with my siblings, unfortunately, they are not in a place for us to mend that sibling bond, though I remain hopeful for that one day.
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Growing up in a family of five kids should have been an opportunity for shared experiences and lasting bonds, but the presence of a narcissistic mother shattered those ideals.
The emotional toll of navigating such an environment led to strained relationships among my siblings.
However, by recognizing the impact of the narcissistic behavior, seeking healing through therapy, and focusing on building new connections, it's possible for anyone to rise above the challenges and forge a path toward emotional well-being and fulfillment, even if that means becoming "siblingless" in the traditional sense.
You are not alone.
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I recently saw a TikTok on this and was then tagged in the instagram Reels version
I think about this all the time, about how appreciation and appropriation are talked about but rarely broken down into which is which, and what is and is not okay.
Am I an expert on this matter, no. Am I a mixed Indigenous person who can inform you of my experience and maybe make it a little bit clearer, yes.
These waters can be muddy but lets wade through them together and start with the definition of both
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Cultural appropriation refers to the adoption or borrowing of elements from another culture, often by a dominant culture, without proper understanding, respect, or permission.
It involves the selective adoption of certain aspects of a culture while disregarding its historical, social, or religious context.
Cultural appropriation is problematic when it reinforces stereotypes, commodifies cultural practices, or disrespects the traditions and identities of marginalized communities.
1. Wearing traditional clothing or sacred symbols as a fashion statement without understanding their cultural significance.
2. Adopting hairstyles, such as cornrows or headdresses, without acknowledging their cultural and spiritual meanings.
3. Using cultural artifacts or traditional designs for profit without giving credit or financial support to the originating community.
4. Participating in cultural rituals or ceremonies without the proper understanding or respect for their sacred nature.
Cultural appreciation, on the other hand, involves genuinely respecting and honoring aspects of another culture.
It recognizes the value of cultural diversity and seeks to learn and engage with different traditions in a responsible and informed manner.
Cultural appreciation involves a deep understanding of the historical and social context of a culture and aims to build bridges of understanding and solidarity.
1. Knowledge and Understanding: Take the time to educate yourself about the history, traditions, and significance of a culture before engaging with it.
2. Respect and Consent: Seek permission and respect the wishes of the community when participating in cultural practices or using cultural symbols.
3. Collaboration and Representation: When collaborating with individuals from a particular culture, ensure that their voices are heard and they are appropriately credited for their contributions.
4. Avoid Stereotyping: Do not reduce a culture to stereotypes or caricatures. Embrace the diversity within the culture and appreciate its nuances.
5. Engage in Responsible Tourism: When traveling, be mindful of the impact of your actions on the local community and their cultural
Cultural appropriation and cultural appreciation represent two distinct approaches to engaging with different cultures.
While cultural appreciation fosters understanding, respect, and mutual learning, cultural appropriation perpetuates inequality, stereotypes, and cultural commodification.
By promoting cultural appreciation and understanding, we can foster a more inclusive and harmonious world that celebrates the richness and diversity of human cultures.
Remember, it is essential to approach cultural exchange with sensitivity, humility, and a genuine desire to learn and respect the traditions and identities of others.
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]]>215 bodies...children as young as 3...were found under and around Kamloops Indian Residential School. Memorials erupted everywhere. Including across from my day job
My phone exploded....messages, inquiries, phone calls...you name it. At one point my phone was going off so much that I could not even access it.
"I need a shirt by Monday"
"Why do you not have a store"
"Can I come by right now"
and then the allies...those that understood...
"I am sorry"
"Are you okay?"
I am a mother to a young child who had I been born at the wrong time, would have been taken from me. I am a survivor of Generational Trauma...substantial amounts...my family and I are survivors. I am Lytton First Nations.
But I am a business owner...and that was all that mattered to a lot of these people. Forget what I must be feeling, forget what Canada's government and the Catholic Church did to my family. Perform, create and do it on their timeline, but for free because I expect all proceeds to be donated, I do not want to see you succeed or profit off of what we did to your people. These people were the colonizers expecting me to give them my art for their performative display at the cost of my mental and physical health, history repeating itself.
And when I was at my worst from these comments, these messages asked for me to explain my trauma and educate them on what was done at these schools, and ask if they could sell their shirts as long as they donated a portion. The lateral hate from other Indigenous folks:
"You are not Indigenous, your last name is not Native at all"
"Look at this white girl trying to pass herself off as one of us"
"What percentage are you?"
"You did not grow up on the Reserve, you don't know what you are talking about"
Came those that truly cared, and helped lift me back up. Thankfully the majority of those of you who are likely reading this and are still with me since then.
"Take your time"
"I am so sorry"
"How are you doing?"
and so on, but that one person can break you, and let me tell you, they broke me.
One person sent me over the absolute edge, a fellow business owner, she would not stop, messaging me daily with fake words of apology for what had happened to Indigenous people and take your time with my order, which quickly transformed into "where the hell is my stuff, how can you run a business like this, you should close if this is how you operate, what am I going to do with these shirts if I don't get them in time to go to this event" and keep in mind this was still MONTHS away from September 30 and not anywhere near my 6 weeks turn around yet. I removed Instagram and Facebook from my phone and I had to ask someone to take over my social media so I could step away, and I broke down...while still working on Orange Shirts every. single. day. Some people who took a lot of time out of their day to attack me, I said to them: I am sorry I cannot continue to have these conversations with you, I am going to step away from social media...do you know what those people did? They then emailed me hateful horrible things...because they wanted to make sure I saw them...not the person handling my social media....so I had her also take over my email communication.
And while surrounded by Orange everywhere and trying to process the emotions associated with this, I had people showing up randomly at my apartment asking where their orders were, telling me someone would pick up their stuff and send them to me but their orders were not ready. Calling and texting my cell phone constantly
I stopped functioning, I was crying and on edge, all the time, every time a message or call I did not recognize came in I would tense up, I could not handle it. I worked countless hours, all night sometimes to try to stay ahead and on top of everything. I had a full-time job which was usually more than full-time, a husband and a toddler, and a small business that had exploded at the tragedy of my people. My doctor finally prescribed me anxiety medication when I had an appointment with him and could barely speak without crying. But I am taught to be strong, to not show those weaknesses, and not to cry in front of anyone, so the only ones who saw my pain were the ones closest to me.
Slowly I allowed myself to let go of those comments and emails, and hateful people and allow all of the good ones to be absorbed from so many people. The good outweighed the bad and I had to focus on those while I worked through the hundreds of orders. These orders did not only contain Orange Shirts, people were coming to my site for that but loving the other items they saw. Sometimes I had an order that would have 10 items, only one being an Orange Shirt, which was amazing but also a lot of work.
I made it through, I got every order out eventually, I wanted people to have these shirts, I want a sea of orange, not just for September 30 but all of the time. This is what I love, bringing awareness. What I hate is the hate itself.
Upon releasing this year's design, I already have anxiety and the comments and questions and emails from those who do not know me or my brand have already started and it is only May. Maybe one day the validity of my Indigenous-ness will not be questioned but until then I will continue to create with a meaning behind it to bring light to what never should have been in the dark.
This is hard for me to even write. It brings me right back to that day, it may seem inconsequential, but as someone who normally does not keep her mouth shut, when I cannot do that for my child I feel as though I've failed. It was the smallest thing when watching from the outside in...
Most of you who pick up your orders from me know that we live in an apartment building. My son and I had run down for something I can't remember what, but we got into the elevator to go back up and it was a short ride to the 2nd floor literally probably 10 to 15 seconds, and an older woman got into the elevator with us. She was staring at Kenzo and stated how cute he was...I did not think anything of it, but as soon as she said it, immediately after... she then reached out and rubbed his hair between her fingertips and said something about 'oh that must be hard to manage'.
I froze, I was in complete shock. I felt ill, but before it even registered fully, we were walking off of the elevator and down the hall.
Now, I am feisty, normally a firecracker (though my husband to this days swears I am a kitten) and very impulsive (thank you ADHD). I have a natural resting bitch face and frequently get the comment:
"oh you are nice I thought you were going to be a bitch"
more times than I can count.
The level of violation that I felt at this action. My child. Who I should be protecting against this sort of stuff did not permit her to pet him as though he was a dog.
And I. Did. Not. Stop. Her.
In that single moment, I felt that I had completely failed as a mother. It caught me so off guard and lasted maybe half a second and I didn't react in time. It was so off-putting and before I knew it we were stepping off of the elevator and I was in disbelief, I could not even wrap my brain around the fact that she had done that
Even just writing this brings me to tears and my heart races. As we walked down the hall, I tried to process it, was I being silly? Ridiculous? Over reacting? Why did it cause such a visceral reaction in me. I ushered him out, and as we walked down the hall I said to him when we got back into our apartment and I had calmed down enough...you know if anyone ever touches you and you don't want them to you can tell them no. He said okay and moved on.
But the Mom guilt at failing him, the emotional turmoil inside of me...unreal. Every time I see this woman in our building, I feel anger and disgust.
The anger, who is she to think she has rights to my son...
Because he looks different...because his hair is different?
Not something you are used to seeing?
And you also presume to comment about how it must be difficult to manage?
The least of my problems is doing his hair. Let me tell you, I worry about how he will be seen in society, whether he will be judged on his skin color, how he cannot travel to certain countries and walk down the street safely and god forbid he wears a hoodie walking to the store...
I am thankful we live in Canada, but that does not mean racism does not exist here. It does, whether you see it or even realize it, it is prevalent in every day life.
I have had former co-workers state that they want a "mixed baby" as if it is a novelty to them, something they can just easily obtain whenever they wish to.
But, they don't want the fears, the conversations that other parents may not have to have, because they have the privilege of being white or white-passing. These are never things I thought of or about when deciding to have children with my husband, and maybe that is my privilege showing, because I know he thinks about this stuff regularly, because he has lived it.
People feel the need to clarify his background when we are out without his Dad...they leave open-ended sentences hanging
...like oh is the father.....
Why does it matter? Do you need to justify his appearance...does classifying him make it easier for you to digest?
No one would walk up to a Caucasian person and ask for clarification on their background, or a Caucasian baby...oh is their father... there are no open-ended sentences there, no question of their validity or identity, no need to classify or confirm their background.
Racism is so embedded in our society that this woman thought nothing of violating my son's personal space. She probably has no idea of the effect it had on me and continues to have. Racism is buried in everyday actions that have become the norm. They are accepted because BIPOC people are expected to give up anything for those who are not BIPOC, have we ever asked why?
I re-evaluate that moment often, was it my people-pleasing? My fear of rejection?
What was it in that moment that did not allow me to open my mouth and speak up?
Why could I not protect my child?
There are so many layers to my feelings about this moment, how I reacted, or did not react, the embedded racism, the violation, to name a few.
It is not always the action, it is the repair that follows, meaning it is what you do after to make it better, to fix it, to repair. Though I will be honest, it does not feel good enough to me.
Even so, my repair was letting him know that no one has the right to his body, to teach him that and enforce it in everyday life. He is not forced to kiss family members, he is not forced to hug anyone, it is his choice. We ask him if he wants to hug someone bye or give a high five etc. If he does not, we do not make a big deal out of it.
It is funny because he probably will not remember the moment, but I will. Forever. Maybe someday it will bring with it less guilt, and shame, and that lump in my throat will become less. But I doubt it. It is a moment I felt I failed.
But I have to remind myself that one moment, does not define me as a mother, there are countless other positive moments, I tend to sweep under the rug when it comes to something like this.
I tend to focus on the negative. But I have to remind myself, that I am breaking cycles, we are parenting a child so far from the traumatizing way in which I was raised that is a learning experience for me, I have to consciously choose to react differently than how I was raised.
I apologize so my son knows he is worthy of it. I do not sweep it under the rug and act like everything is normal because then when they grow up and someone neglects to apologize for an act of mistreatment, but does not, I do not want my son to believe he is not worthy of that apology, because he is.
This is easier said than done. Trust me, I am my own worst critic.
It's easy to forget when you are in the moment and maybe you lost your s**t and once you've calmed down the Mom guilt hits....and boy do we know it hits hard. I have never experienced anything on the level of the dread Mom Guilt.
So I just want you to be gentle with yourself and remember you are doing great Mama and its not the moment it the repair that matters.
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That is where the inspiration for this design comes from so that even when you are watching them from afar wondering if you are doing the right thing you reminded that you're doing great Mama.
Fun fact...my mother moved me out of England, from a predominantly black neighborhood...so that in her words "you would not marry a black guy" ...well jokes on you Karen (yup her actual name is Karen lol)
Let me preface this by saying that this is not specific to Indigenous Allyship, this is a generalized perspective on how all Allys should act towards any Minority or Oppressed Group
It is your job to educate yourself, not that of the oppressed. Do not expect to be taught, look for resources, follow those that speak out about the problem, take a class, or read a book. Do the work. Do not expect members of the oppressed group to do the heavy lifting. That heavy lifting is yours to do if you are truly an ally. Make conscious decisions to shop directly from those groups to support them.
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You are hurting because of the information you found out? Imagine living through it, or living with the consequences of it? It is not about you. It was about you when those people were being held down, and oppressed because it was your rights that mattered. That needs to change. Do not compare your experience as a person not of that minority or gas light them into thinking it was not as bad as they make it seem.
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Even when they are not around. It means more to speak up for an oppressed group when they are not there to hear it do not do it just to be seen and recognized for doing so.
In a social setting and someone is making racist comments? Say something, step in first, and be the loudest voice, because that person making those comments is not going to care if someone from that marginalized group stands up to them. But as someone of equal standing, in their eyes, that may give them pause.
Do not sit in uncomfortable silence....because if someone is being racist/sexist/homophobic etc....it should make you uncomfortable. There is more weight to your words in these situations.
Saying you are an Ally is performative, wearing a shirt for one day is performative, show you are an Ally with your actions, giving weight to the age-old adage "actions speak louder than words". Live your Allyship, do not just preach about it when it is popular.
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Understand that you will make mistakes, you are human, everyone is, mistakes happen, the biggest thing is recognizing them and/or taking ownership if they are pointed out to you
stop-adjust-correct
apologize, ask questions and work to change that way of thinking. Realize a way of thinking is racist or suppressive? Sit with it, realize it, and consciously, mindfully move to change it.
Marginalized and oppressed groups need actions, not words. It is not enough to be Pro-Black, Pro-Indigenous, etc... you need to be actively ANTI-racist. March, spread awareness, share your favorite creators on social media YEAR ROUND not just when it is their turn to be the Minority of the Month. Act on it.
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These are just a few ways you can practice Allyship, after all "The time is always right to do what is right" - Martin Luther King Jr.
More questions? Leave a comment below or DM me over on the gram
Want to take your or your child's education into your own hands on this topic, here are some books I recommend to begin your journey. Shop my recommendations on Amazon Here
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
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